My girlfriend is Chinese and I’m quite serious about her so for the last year I’ve been learning mandarin in order to be able to communicate with her family (who mostly do not speak English). I would say I’m currently a solid HSK 3 level (passing mock exams with a near perfect score) and I’m fairly proud of the progress I’ve made. Most of this so far has been solo study but a few months ago I got a tutor who teaches me for 2 x 1 hour sessions per week (my gf doesn’t particularly enjoy practicing with me which I understand given my extremely low level). I’m taking my studies quite seriously and I want to eventually be at a strong conversational level.
I’m currently visiting my girlfriend’s family in her hometown in China. This is the first time I have really been thrown into real life Mandarin situations and honestly I am finding it quite daunting. I am comfortable in a lot of day to day situations like ordering in a restaurant, purchasing things in a store, very basic chit chat with a taxi driver etc. however speaking with a large group of family members at for example a family gathering is massively out of my comfort zone.
Firstly, most topics I just simply don’t have the vocabulary to understand what is being said so I don’t even follow what topic is being discussed. There is also a sprinkling of local dialect here and there which just throws me off further. Even in the rare times that I do follow, I feel like I’m really only just ‘getting the gist’ of what’s being said and I really don’t understand the semantics of the conversation enough to chime in and contribute, even if its just a few words. So typically I will just say silent so as to not either make myself look like a fool or offend anyone.
As a ‘remedy’ my girlfriend will sometimes throw me into the deep end by perhaps turning the conversation towards me and asking me a question in front of a bunch of other people. But in these situations I feel incredibly awkward and uncomfortable as I just can’t express myself well enough or I will make a mistake and people can’t really understand what I’m trying to say.
My girlfriend is getting frustrated that I’m being too shy / quiet when being around her family, which is true of course. From my perspective I’m in damage control mode rather than conversation mode. I feel like I just don’t follow what’s happening around me enough to make any contributions without being rude and butting in with something ridiculously out of place. I feel there is a combination of my girlfriend overestimating my mandarin level, alongside a general lack of confidence in myself.
I’m sure its going to take many years of consistent study before I am “comfortable” in situations like this, however I’m sure plenty of people in this sub have gone through similar struggles. Other than obviously just continuously improving my language level, does anyone have any tips on how to navigate this?
Heya. I learned Mandarin mostly through immersion, and the experience you’re describing is totally natural. The Chinese you encounter from a 1-on-1 with a store employee will be drastically different from what you overhear from a trio of native speakers in a heated discussion.
I think you need more time spent in such authentic scenarios and not so much “years of consistent study.” Inform your girlfriend’s friends/family that you’re still in the process of learning and that you will need more time before you can jump in freely. Make note of unfamiliar terms that come up repeatedly, and don’t try to translate every unknown word you overhear.
Do drill some phrases/questions that help you confirm your understanding, ask for repetition, etc. It is exceedingly difficult at first, but the more hours you listen, the more sense it will start to make. Really, you could practice mentally responding and formulating your ideas during any gaps, so that if you’re put on the spot, it would not be as awkward.
keep telling yourself that it’s okay to make mistakes in a non-native language
Personally, I’m also in the same boat as you about needing to learn Chinese to interact with my friends’ parents, who speak Cantonese. It doesn’t help that I look and am actually Chinese
It may be two different languages, but I find that the best way for me personally is to force myself to talk as much as possible, but also clarify to those who I am talking to that Chinese is my second language
I go to a sports club where everybody can speak fairly decent English, but I still choose to speak Cantonese as I feel like it’s a good opportunity to practice speaking. One person even understands my situation and will talk to me with complicated words in Chinese and when I don’t understand them, he also tries to translate them into English as he also wishes to improve his English
Recently I learnt the word for tweezers in Cantonese – 鉗仔, art knife – 鎅刀, to graze/almost touch (touching motion) – 揩, awkward – 尷尬
My Cantonese has improved a lot ever since I’ve taken this approach, I pay lots of attention to what others are saying to me and to others, it improves pronunciation and understanding. Treat conversations as learning opportunities and not an embarrassment, people will understand if you can’t express an idea, or forget a word, or mix up the order of a sentence as they probably have felt the same when learning a foreign language or even talking as kids
I always tell myself “if u never talk u’ll never learn” because yes it’s true, if I never try to speak Cantonese and always stick with people who speak English, how can my Cantonese possibly improve?
After reading your story i feel you need more support from your gf >. < i would be so happy if my husband can take learning Chinese as serious as you do and i would love to teach him myself but he has no interest or motivation to learn!
I think you go to her family which is a good commitment. It should be a team work that you make it a pleasant memory together, which means everyone should feel comfortable. Good luck to your study and relationship!
“My girlfriend is getting frustrated…”
I’d solve that problem first tbh (No offense)
Highly recommend something like basic paid hello chinese, it seems like a perfsct fit for what you need– real life speaking and listening practice streamlined. It normally takes years to get conversational in chinese yes, but basic conversation can be achieved in months if there is enough real life practice.
The only solution is practice, and a high level in chinese without speaking practice will still be someone who can’t speak. However it sounds like you are nervous and want to make a good impression on your potential in laws, which is totally understandable.
The hello chinese course isn’t the only option, but its one of the best abailable imo. It’ll grt you to understand and reply to all sorts of basic conversation using all sorts of different real life speakers, so highly recommend checking it out. It may help you get the leg up in conversation without the awkwardness of it being people you don’t want to make mistakes in front of.
Also don’t be too afraid of making mistakes though, once you get more comfortable with it its normal not to know everything. I remember one time trying to explain my pink shopping bag, and I couldn’t remember “shopping” part of description, so I just kept saying bag while miming putting stuff in a grocery cart and checking out lol. No one will expect you to be perfect when learning a language 🙂
Hot take: Most Chinese conversations with old people are boring as shit and just evolve around “how have you been?” “Have you had anything good to eat?”, vague comments about the weather, rain or heat, if they play majiang, have they won, where to get the best produce.
Don’t worry about not being up to it, it’s mindlessly easy if you just imagine you’re talking to a chatbot
Topic specific acquisition is a hurdle even in ur own mother tongue. If today you woke up and decided to hang out with…. I don’t fuckn know…. whale DNA biologists who were doing some experiment and discussing something in over 50% specific ass vocabulary you’d have no idea what the fuck is going on either.
Ask your girlfriend what things her family usually talks about
Then learn about those topics first in your near future journey
Ah, an over thinker!
The trick is…
Before you speak, put your hand out in front of you in a pointing gesture – – but not at anyone – – just pointing 45 degrees up, smile with teeth, and say “就是…＂
Then the rest of the words will follow.
This is a psychological trick call”psyching”. It make you look confident. And it makes you feel confident.
Do at least twice in 10 minutes.
I was very feeling a similar discouragement in recent days. Traveling to practice mandarin, but apart from buying stuff, in don’t understand anything.
Now I’ve accepted that my Chinese is horrible, and more importantly that i can’t HIDE it’s terrible. So now it’s easier to just try speaking. I still can’t have any intelligent conversation but it will come with time.
dont feel frustrated dialect can be reeeeaaally hard to understand for non-locals
there should be some common topics in Chinese family you can work on these and see if you can understand more next time
A couple of drinks usually helped me. Seriously!